It is 8 AM on Sunday morning and our house has just started to wake up. I can hear our kids in the living room fighting over who gets to run the remote for the TV. I roll over and glance at my husband. He has just worked 48 out of the last 96 hours. We have only said a handful of words to each other since Wednesday. He is breathing slowly and I can tell he is in a deep sleep. I sigh and get up to go and settle the fight that is going on about the TV.
By the time my husband wakes up, I have gotten everyone dressed and ready, made breakfast, and settled another 8 fights.
I am tired.
And we are late for church. As he comes over to kiss me, I offer my cheek. He looks at me with questioning eyes.
I am tired.
I mutter under my breath something about how it would be nice to have some help on Sunday mornings, as he softly apologizes.
I know he is giving his all for us. He works long hours, he helps out around the house (often more than I could ever ask him to), he is the best daddy, and an even better husband. He is my best friend.
But often he gets the leftovers from me.
Giving him the worst of myself happens much more than I would like to admit. And it isn’t fair to him, or to me.
By the end of the day I am tired. I have given my all to our kids in trying to raise them into good people and I am usually running on fumes by the time he and I have the chance to spend any kind of quality time together.
But I am still so in love with him.
Which is why I feel so guilty that he gets what’s left of me after I’ve given my all to everyone else.
After all the meals I’ve made.
And the butts I’ve wiped.
And the messes I’ve cleaned up.
And the fights I’ve broken up.
And the laundry and dishes I’ve done.
After I have been The Mom.
I am currently trying to overcome the guilty feelings I have when all I have to offer the love of my life is the bottom of the barrel. Because at this point of our lives, with small children the scraps of who I am might be all I can give to him right now.
Through it all I know he will stand by my side. I know that he will love me regardless of how little I have left over to share with him. And though, I know that it is kind of one-sided right now, I also know that this time of our lives won’t last forever. One day our kids will be grown and it will just be he and I again and then all of me can be all for him again.
But that day is not today.